In the practice of mediation we often hear from an aggrieved party that one of the important things that they want is an “apology”.  Most of the time, if they get an apology at all, it is a conditional statement lacking genuine sincerity or remorse.  The insincere apology often becomes an impediment to settlement because it does not convey trustworthiness.

A valid apology contains four essential components:

1.  Acceptance of responsibility

2.  Genuine regret

3.  Showing or demonstrating understanding of the problem, and

4.  Willingness to do better.

A sincere apology should be devoid of excuses, ifs, buts, or a demand for forgiveness.   The validity of the apology is suspect if, in any way, there is inference that the problem is the fault of the other party.

Several years ago a well known speaker bought a new projector and presentation mouse for a very important meeting and, about one third of the way through the presentation, the screen went blank and nothing worked.   The speaker complained about the ruined presentation, and the manufacturer responded thus:

“We regret that our product failed at a time when it was critical that it operate properly.  I understand that it made you look unprofessional and ruined your presentation to important people.  We are looking into the problem to make changes so that this does not happen again to you or anyone else.  Please return the products for a full refund or replacement.  If you choose to accept our offer of replacement, we will send someone to be with you at your next presentation to make sure the product works properly…”

Unfortunately, what we have learned to expect to hear is:  “Did you have the cables on tight?  Did you read the instruction manual?  It seems to be working all right now.  It could be a problem with your computer.  What version of Power Point do you have?”  These are all valid questions, but do not address the problem of the ruined presentation.

An apology is not a sign of weakness; it is an indication of trustworthiness.

Our next installment on apology will explore this further.